It has been months since I’ve had a panic attack. Months since being gripped in an irrational paralyzing terror. Today, at the worst possible moment, I found myself in the agonizing throes of fear, anxiety, and panic.
This morning I had a physical fitness test for work. I had been training for it. Three times last week I ran a mock test and killed it! I knew about where I would fall in scoring. I was confident. Ready. Even excited.
I knocked out the first portion of the test with no problem. We took a very short water break before the big cardio event. I stuffed headphones into my ears, turned up my music -the same music I had been training with all week, and shot out the gate. My time was solid. My pace strong. Then it happened.
Dizziness overwhelmed me. My stomach churned violently. Heart pounding, head aching, a vile flood of self-doubt raced through my mind. I tried to push through, but my legs and arms wouldn’t obey; refused to function. I fell out unable to breath. I had just enough energy to find the restroom where I emptied the entire contents of my stomach.
Guilt. So much guilt. I failed where I knew I could succeed.
I have an opportunity to try it again tomorrow. I will. I have to; there is no other choice. One more shot. I can only hope that tomorrow I can stay out of my head.