Trying to Write – Journal Confessions

I’m trying to write, and it is so hard to concentrate. Hospital visits, medical appointments, breakdowns, mind numbing medication, and conversations with specialist whirl about and replay in my head.

I just feel so numb right now. Distant. Distracted. Disassociated.

I hate this, but I know I need this. The breach had to be made. I can’t keep living like this anymore. I had two options: cry out for help, or make the pain stop on my own. I’ve too much to live for to even consider the second option.

This journey is terrifying. I am filled with doubt and uncertainty. Did I do the right thing? I know the answer is, yes, but intellectually ascending to an idea and knowing something to be true are two very different things.

God help me.

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About Z.

Poetic pipe and cigar enthusiast rifling through the haunted memories of a not so distant past while openly wrestling with faith and God. A rambling writer with the misguided notion that he has something to say. His only redeeming qualities are his wife and children.
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9 Responses to Trying to Write – Journal Confessions

  1. So brave. Keep knowing you did the right thing and soon your body/heart will catch up. For now, keep reaching out and reaching in.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Julia Byers says:

    Z,

    I can’t even think of the words, but I think Bobbi said it well. You’re so brave. Keep reaching. Know that there are many of us who’ll listen, who’ll care, always.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. e says:

    Hey Z. I came by looking for your latest post because I missed your voice. Genuinely wanted to know how you were and what your latest piece was about. I’m so grateful that you shared this. I believe your transparency will bless others in transition as well. Proud of you. Not sure if you realize that your courage , vibrant personality and willingness to address matters head on is inspiring. Glad I stopped by. Praying your strength.

    e

    Liked by 1 person

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