I’m leaving soon. It’s the demands of this job; called away at a moment’s notice. The call seems to come when I’ve just walked in the door and begun to settle. It brings with it so much frustration and anxiety; especially when stepping back and looking at the larger picture.
The bigger picture isn’t mine. It is not mine to be concerned with – regardless of the corrupt bureaucracy wasting limited resources and using the organization for personal gain. Not my business. Mine is simply to pack up and go to where I am needed.
The only saving grace to this nonsense is that I am dispatched to places where I can positively effect the lives of others. Ends and means, I guess.
Earlier as I began the initial process of packing, I stumbled across a bag filled with various gaming dice. Thinking I might bring my copy of Vampire the Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition, I poured out the dice and began to separate the ten-sided dice from the pile.
It was then I came across a collection of dice I thought I had lost long ago. This particular collection held within them many wonderful memories. They were the original dice released for Changeling the Dreaming, Vampire the Masquerade, and Werewolf the Apocalypse. The dice I rolled in my youth with an amazing group of friends.
Holding them I could feel my anxiety swept away by the memories of gaming with a close knit group of friends. Images of gatherings to tell thrilling supernatural tales centering around the town we grew up in transported me to a wonderful peaceful state.
Memories are a powerful force. Too often, I am haunted by the traumas and tragedies of my upbringing. They tend to drown out the good parts of my history; sometimes so much so that I forget that there were peaceful moments of light in the dark.
Today. Right now. In this moment. I needed that reminder. I needed these images of hanging out in secret with friends rolling dice, participating in the cathartic act of storytelling, trying to find myself in an environment of crass joking, cigarette (and other) smoke, under-aged drinking, and the hopeful gaze upon a far off horizon.
These guys saved my life so many times; even if they didn’t know it. They reminded me that there is light – we just have to pursue it; we have to pursue the brighter things. And I love them for that.
Whether or not I bring one of my classic World of Darkness roleplaying games, these dice are coming with me. I need to remember why I do what I do, and why I need to actively pursue hope and light.