It was like any other late night call of nature. You wake up, your bladder demands satisfaction, but instead of leaping out of bed you wait a few moments hoping the urge will pass (without incident) because the bathroom is like three miles away. Eventually you can’t take it anymore, you give up the hope of going back to sleep, and like a zombie you stumble down a dark hallway (smashing toes along the way) until you find the bathroom.
I did what I came to do, washed my hands (really), and turned to find my way back to blissful sleep. That’s when something caught my eye. I looked up in typical horror movie slow motion fashion to spy a half-dollar cat-sized spider crawl out of the bathroom vent.
Like a badly dressed mustached villain who had just tied an innocent women to a set railroad tracks, it laughed, menacingly wrung its two front legs, and winked a wicked eight-eyed wink. I knew, right then, I had to make war. If I didn’t get it, it was going to get me.
Clad only in pajama pant armor, I grabbed the nearest weapons at hand; a can of Raid and a broom handle. The battle was fierce. The zombie spider of cat-sized proportions had me beat in acrobatic ability and kung-fu fighting skills. My spirit wavered, and when I thought all was lost, I gained the upper hand unleashing a tsunami of Raid to its face!
The chemicals were not enough to kill this death machine, but they were enough to catch the demon spider off guard. The fumes disoriented the abomination. The beast began a hasty retreat and I followed in hot pursuit. No respite, only war.
Bravely I gave up my can of Raid and began to swing away with my trusty broom handle. The beast was worn down, but still put up a fierce fight. Finally I found my opening and I struck. Relentlessly I struck. Again. And again. And again. I was a madman on a mission.
Covered in ichor and entrails, I emerged the victor. I dropped to bended knee and thanked God for this glorious victory; praising Him for the glory of battle and the deliverance of mine enemy into my hands.
Afterwards I learned the name of my enemy; Crevice Spider, also known as the Southern House Spider. I have a strong suspicion that this will not be my last encounter with this monstrous beast; his kin will seek vengeance, and I will be prepared.